Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Stuff that Larry Twicken Says

Larry Twicken is an active, taxpayer-funded promulgator of political science theories at Saddleback College. He’s been “professing” things to students for more than ten years, but has never yet lost his charming personality, love for his students, or yearning to fix Christopher Columbus’ America.  The following is a highlights reel of sorts intended to share Mr. Twicken’s wit and wisdom with the rest of the world.  The quotations, which were transcribed by natural observation in the classroom environment, are an attempt to recapture as nearly as possible the brilliance of Mr. Twicken’s elucidation.


On those old white Republicans:
“I’m just going to throw my ideology right out there… Pat Boone is one of those people I hate – is hate the right word? … Yes. – I hate Pat Boone… He took this black artist’s song and recorded it the way a white person would, you know?  [does his best black and white singer impression]”
“Social conservatives, they’re just from another era.  The way they talk about gay marriage and LGBT rights… [shakes his head]”

On his educational philosophy:
“Don’t try to go into the quiz without reading, thinking you can bull$#*! your way through it, because nothing pisses me off more when all I get is bull$#*!, bull$#*!, and more bull$#*!.  Just don’t bull$#*! me.”
“You may think you know a lot about politics, but you don’t know $#*! about politics.  Your parents have probably talked to you about politics and government, but they don’t know $#*! about government either.”
“Most college teachers are doing it all wrong because they try to teach you things.  I’m a professor.  I profess things.”'
 “I’m hoping we can have open discussion in this class.  I want you all to be respectful towards each other – no name calling.  But I will show little respect for your views.  I will mess with you.  And when you guys try to argue with me, it really pisses me off, like you’re getting up in my car grill and yelling, “F____ you, Mr. Larry!”

On constitutional government:
“What does democracy mean?  [Much argument ensues]  Majority Rules, thank you.  America’s democracy means that majority rules.”
 “But the majority of people weren’t even represented in America’s early years, only the majority of 20%!  The United States’ democracy was kind of a mockery – we could even say a mythology [read like it’s a big word] – of democracy.”

On his marginalized black wife and children:
“Racism is an attitude, the attitude of thinking your race is superior.  Now it’s possible for those in a minority race to be racists, but only if they have the power to oppress another race.  Otherwise they’re just bigots…”
 “Do any of you know about the Minutemen… they were a group who tried to stop illegal immigrants from crossing the border and recruited a lot of African-Americans to do that because illegal immigration is against African-Americans’ interests…” [never finishes his point or ties it back into racism]
 “In a way, by not sending my daughter to the San Juan Hills “Latino School” [because of its lower academic rating and probability of sending graduates on to better colleges], I would be contributing to institutionalized racism.”
“White people use just as many drugs as black people.  We have this racist mindset about blacks on drugs.”
“Other runners accuse my daughter of winning just because she’s black, like she’s got some special bone in her body.”
 “Don’t f____ with my girl.”
 “We have stereotypes like ‘white people can’t jump’.  When we maintain these institutions as long as we do, white people start to believe they can’t compete, they can’t do these things.”  [because it’s mainly those racist Caucasians who are always making victims of themselves]

On a noncontextual, hypothetical kid getting yelled at by his instructor:
“He’s crying, and I tell you, next race this kid is going to run his f_____ing ass off.”

On Rush Limbaugh:
 “There are ideas you probably hear a lot on talk radio.  Finish this sentence: ‘Muslims hate…’  [America?]  No.  [The West?]  Not my tempo.  [Christians?]  That too, but I’m actually thinking of… [Jews???]  Yes, thank you.  ‘Muslims hate Jews.’
“Does anyone in here listen to talk radio?  Listening to too much talk radio lowers your IQ.  [Someone challenges that.]  Listening to top 40 radio won’t do a lot for your IQ, but it won’t hurt it either.”
“But in medieval Spain, it was Catholics who hated the Jews.”

On Christopher Columbus:
“So he lands and he immediately sees them as savage, childlike, inferior.  He says that he’s checking out these girls, 12, 13 years old!”
 “How does the Bible say that man has dominion over the animals?  He has the power to name them, right?  So Columbus starts calling them Indians!”
 “Columbus brings back only the strongest as slaves, and suddenly everybody thinks that all the ‘Indians’ are super-strong.”
“Columbus goes back, and it’s all about race now.” 
“Racism started with Christopher Columbus.”

On Jimmy Snyder:
“Whether you believe it or not, with a mic shoved in your face, what’s the right answer [to the important question of whether there should be more black coaches in the NFL]?  [Awkward, non-obliging silence]  Come on what’s the right answer?  YES.”

On teaching his son the truth:
“My son brings back this book from school, the traditional story of Christopher Columbus.  I look through it, the last sentence: ‘And then Christopher Columbus made friends with the Indians.’”
“I give him this radical book, A People’s History of the United States – by this crazy left-wing socialist named Howard Zinn – and I say, ‘Son, you’re taking this to school,’ and he says, ‘Dad, no.’ and I say…” 
“This college text… the true story of Christopher Columbus…”
“I tried to give my son – and you all too – an alternative, more accurate education.”
“My son took the WISC test, which, 80-90 you’re OK, below that you’re f____ed up.”
“The question asked him who Christopher Columbus was, so I asked him, ‘What did you write?’ and he said, ‘I wrote that Christopher Columbus was an explorer who killed a bunch of Indians.’ … I gave him a high-five for that.”
“It turns out he got one point for the first part but not the part about killing Indians, so I had a good talk with them and they said it was because that wasn’t in their book.  Your IQ is punished for repeating the true story of Christopher Columbus.” 
 “I’ve been fighting this for years.”

On other stuff:
“You can look at feudalism as a form of slavery.”
 “The Industrial Revolution was based on the oppression of Indian communities.”
 “If you want the best Fatburger, don’t go to Orange County – they f____ it up.”
 “♪ Killing me softly with his song ♪… I wish I could be a black woman just so I could sing that.”

On himself and the lecture he’s supposed to be giving:
“Who’s more charismatic than me?”
“This lecture is my way of stating how I’m going to be approaching race, gender, LGBT, community issues – not this sort of mythical majority which never really existed.”
“Imagine all this in 15 minutes – so f____ing incredible.” 

To the administration of Saddleback College, please nominate Larry Twicken for lecturer of the month.  This took him 12 years to make.  Then fire the bastard.


Fast-travel to other parts:
More Stuff That Larry Twicken Says
Even More Stuff That Larry Twicken Says

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