Excerpted from George’s someday-to-be-released memoir about life and times at Beatissima University, featuring rare articles previously published in the Beatissima Garbage.
Beatissima Named Best 6-Figure Youth Group Retreat In Country
The U.S. News and World Report has released its influential college evaluations for the year of 2015, and Beatissima University has ranked highly in several categories, including Best Location, Most Energetic Welcoming Committee, Cutest Perpetual Virgins, and Friendliest Metaphorical Family. Indeed, surveys have shown that Beatissima students stand a smaller chance of getting racially slurred, slut-shamed, or taken advantage of in a drunken state than those at other babysitting institutions, but the celestial seaside campus received especial acclaim as the best Vacation Bible School in America.
“Convo is bea. I need to look at my feed some time of the day. #thug lyfe #hiiipower” ~ Yik Yak user
For the less introverted members of the Christian faith (although most denominations will claim that every Christian has to join with other Christians in community and figurative bodily unity), residence leaders at Beatissima also organize small Bible study clubs where more spiritual and reflective students offer interpretations of Scripture and the rest listen thoughtfully while taking notes on their phones. And then there’s the sheer diversity of worship or service opportunities happening literally every day of the week.
Citing the need for Christian compassion and charity towards “the least of these,” Beatissima’s president of intercultural assimilation, Barry Hugh Sein, said that the university will start refunding aspiring learners for the tuition they never paid in the first place. He pointed to federal policies like the earned income tax credit as predictors of the executive action’s solvency in boosting the productivity and confidence of undocumented students.
Sein issued the following statement exclusively through the Garbage:
“Undocumented students are Beas in every way except print: they go to class, they don’t go to class, they run away on weekends, they reluctantly eat the chicken tenders from the H.E.C.K. late at night, they smuggle alcohol into their dorm rooms, they complain about having to smuggle alcohol into their dorm rooms, they ask that really cute, quiet girl in the Great Books small group out on a real, one-to-one date – hell, they’re even more evolved than real Beas on that account. Cowards.
“Why should some financial difficulties have the final say on who goes and who stays at Beatissima University? After all, doesn’t our Christian mission call for us to be receiving of strangers and to love our moochers as ourselves?”
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