Monday, February 2, 2015

The Garbage #1 – The M.R.S. degree and Non-Afrophobic Democrats

Excerpted from George’s undocumented and semi-autobiographical exposé Searching for Nuggets of Truth at an American University, which features groundbreaking and rare articles originally published in the Beatissima Garbage newspaper.


Beatissima tailors courses for newer, dumber generation.

Perhaps the biggest upset of the new year was the announcement that Beatissima University is considering adoption of another set of degrees prepared specifically to meet the evolving needs and (in)abilities of Millenials.  The proposed career paths have attra­cted derision and support respectively from students and the parents severely indebting themselves for their sake.

The most controversial of the revisions to Beatissima’s curricula is an accelerated, 24-unit major in Wifedom intended to supplement the equally inapplicable minor in Women’s and Having Sex Studies. Academic experts claim the program is meant to acknowledge the now indisputable reality that many women simply aren’t coming into college with the communication, workplace skills, and basic mental equipment to secure a high-paying job in the real world.

Director of admissions Sugar Colton explained to the Garbage staff that he’s “observed a lot of potential in the female first-years of class 2014.  I’m thrilled to see a new batch of world-changers committed to shining a light on women’s rights and contributions in the modern world.  Many of our top students have gone on to write for Tumblr and the Huffington Post.  A select few talented individuals have actually found positions at Fox News and CNN, and one of our theater majors even got a physically demanding role on HBO’s Girls.  I see potential in each and every one of our family, but some women have potential in different places than others.”

“I’ve observed a lot of… female first-years of Class 2014.” ~ Sugar Colton
(quote distorted for outrageousness and style)

Another Beatissima insider named Wayne Capcall put the matter more bluntly.  “69% of you Caligirls just aren’t cut out for the workplace, whether that be by alienating others with your Feminist droning, sounding dumb, or being generally, all-around stupid.  But I’m sure you’re a really nice person on the inside, and even if you aren’t, some idiot will probably marry you for your outside.”

Current and potential Beas have denounced the implications of the decision, calling it insulting to their identity and deeply regressive.  Valentine “Val” Hagel, a Junior Political Science major, tweeted in a series of messages, “Beatissima Housewife major reeks of misogyny. #its2015  Like, what kind of sexist, chauvinist pig do you have to be to suggest that women are good for nothing but, like, cooking and housekeeping and raising kids and stuff like that?  Big B prob thinks woman shouldn’t be allowed to vote or make decisions about their own bodies, did I mention this is misognist? #yesallwomen”

“69% of women are Feminist or stupid.” ~ Wayne Capcall
(quote fabricated for purposes of straw man)

Parents, however, have welcomed the addition of the program, noting it will save them a lot of money and put their daughters on a much faster track to financial independence and a respectable lifestyle.

One mother, Marge M. Acker, spoke candidly with the Garbage editor about the decision.  “I was calling up my girl Julia yesterday and asking her, ‘Have you found yourself a nice boyfriend yet?’

“She was like, ‘Mom,’ and I was all, ‘Just kidding,’ and then we laughed for a while and talked about how her studies were going.

“But seriously.”


Student activists recreate non-MLK-related display for MLK Day

In remembrance of Martin Luther King Jr. and the impending demise of Oprah Winfrey’s and Michael Brown’s Oscar-nominated propaganda film “Selma”, the Racially Tolerant Caucasians of Beatissima Club held a peaceful and vaguely topical march-in at the CCB to advance the cause of African-Americans, African-English, and Kenyan immigrants in general.  Black teenagers were encouraged to join but leave their arms at home, while all participants were expected to put their hands up and refrain from breathing.

Apollo Guys, leader of the club and young founder of headline-winning firm Makedown, says of the march, “We didn’t ask to be born white, and we certainly didn’t ask to bring so much social injustice down on the heads of black people, Hispanics and/or Latinos, Muslims, or other races.  But we have to some extent or another created these ongoing problems and it’s our responsibility to set them straight – no heterosexism intended.”

Guys is acutely aware of the disadvantages ethnic minorities face at a school as white as Beatissima, one of which is that there are just fewer of them.  “My friend Theo is the only black guy in his upper-division computer science class,” he states.  “Can you imagine how hard that is for him?”

There’s also the pervasive presence of microaggressions on campus which make minorities feel excluded and different.  “Theo was walking down the stairs to the Fieldhouse once when someone going the opposite direction moved to the other side of the steps.  It’s insecure behavior like this that all racially nonbigoted whites at Beatissima need to actively work to check in themselves.”

Racially Tolerant Caucasians stand for a multitude of stock issues promoting the social, legal, and financial equality of African-Americans, including affirmative action, wealth redistribution, and increased funding for failing public schools.  For more information, visit their page at the Beatissima Inter-Club Council’s website.

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