Sunday, January 12, 2014

Rodman Loves Kim Jong-un To Death

Article written by George Stefano Pallas.  Jonathan Hurley in Seoul contributed to this report.  Views and bad writing expressed by the author are his alone and do not necessarily reflect nor should be construed as those of the Author.

In the aftermath of GQ magazine’s most influential Least Influential list of 2013, many Americans wondered what could possibly wound Dennis Rodman’s pride more than being dubbed a “Q-list celebrity willing to commit borderline treason just to hang out with a dictator who himself aspires to be a Q-list celebrity”.

Apparently, being declared an ex-Q-list celebrity.  As in expired, extinguished, and exterminated.  Dead.

The state-controlled Korean Central News Agency reported unexpectedly on Friday that the North’s “leader” Kim Jong-Un observed his circa 31st birthday on Wednesday by watching a peaceful, multi-cultural basketball game with the has-been NBA star and arresting him promptly after the diplomatic affair came to a close.  He had formally been charged with numerous crimes against morality and the state, including being a “despicable sports careerist and trickster”, producing pornography, wearing jerseys and piercings made in South Korea, conspiring to overthrow the government, “spying on behalf of the American scum”, and becoming “engrossed in cheating and corruption”, but the ultimate catalyst for his detainment was the ear-shattering and unsanctioned rendition of “Happy Birthday” he gave in opening the friendly contest.  Said Kim Jong-un’s head bodyguard and chief of the secret police Bang Bang-ow, “We were disposed to forgive these other inhuman and vile offenses because they are ‘best friends’, but this shrill and pathetic attempt by the American rat on the life of the Great Leader had to be punished with unprecedented, peculiar means and methods of our own style.”

Killing himself softly with this song…

Rodman’s own companions had emphatically warned him against making such an inappropriate and unpatriotic display in front of a sworn enemy of the United States who routinely threatens to nuke them and their allies in the South.  One of the retired American players to participate in the game, Charles D. Smith, disclosed to the Associated Press that, “We always tell Dennis that he can’t sing.  He is tone deaf.  He did it alone.”  These remarks were obtained from within a concentration camp where Smith and his eleven teammates are being held indefinitely as accomplices in Rodman’s spontaneous transgression.

Rodman himself wasn’t lucky enough to starve to death in prison, as he was immediately escorted to a sentencing hearing convened right on the game court before being led out of the public’s view.  When asked if he wanted to speak anything in his own defense, his heartfelt last words were, “There’s going to be a lot of misunderstanding in the American press, but I have no fears at all.  Kim is my best friend and we’re just trying to bring people together, to engage a lot of countries through sports.  Why do we always strive on negativity?  This guy is only 31 years old!  He’s not a murderer!  He’s just gaining experience like everyone else!  I literally trust Kim with my life.”

And so he did, and Kim graciously requited that trust with a volley of bullets the very next day at Shinpoong Stadium, the same site of the public executions of eight political dissenters not two months ago.  Foreign policy analysts have noted that this is only another sign of a long-spanning personal ambition of Kim to permanently silence anybody who opposes or annoys him.  “He’s killed his former girlfriend, he’s killed his uncle, and he’s killed hundreds of people just for reading Bibles or refusing to worship him,” said Defense Secretary Robert Gates on a promotion tour for his soon to be released memoir Duty, which incidentally has nothing to do with the Kim Jong-un regime. “Why would he even shy from killing his royal jester if doing so solidified his power and sent America a message of his resolve?”

Veteran (conservative) SNL host Dennis Miller added, “Alexander the Great was ‘only 33 years old’ when he had conquered the world as he knew it and had cut down millions of men in warfare.  Cutting down Dennis Rodman posed about as much difficulty as stealing a basketball from a short, fat, persistently drunk baby, albeit a very cranky baby.”



The Author’s Files would print gruesome photos taken at the scene of the stadium, but one witness of the horrific act testified that “the corpse was so riddled by machine-gun fire that it was hard to identify afterward” and Rodman’s remains were reportedly stuffed in a body bag and dumped into the ocean shortly following his demise.  Scholars have argued that this burial at sea is consistent with Korean funeral rites, but conspiracy theorists like Alex Jones have asserted that, to the contrary, the official Atheist doctrine of the DPRK gives no guidelines as to the proper treatment of the deceased.

Rodman may not be among the year’s healthiest celebrities any more, but on the bright side he can no longer be accounted among the least influential.  The KCNA has said that Kim Jong-un is seriously considering his old friend’s proposal to engage the world through the universal spirit of competitive sports.  Unfortunately, according to United Nations investigations, 84% of his team’s members are too skinny and malnourished to meet the basic Olympic qualifications for the sport.

Multiple western news sources have attempted to reach Kim Jong-un for an interview on his relationship with the late Rodman, but the leader is supposedly busy overseeing the construction of a water park inside his palace at Pyongyang.  Testing of the park’s attractions was opened last week to professional mechanics of the Workers’ Party.  If only Dennis Rodman were alive to see the fruits of his labor.


In other, less depressing news Anderson Cooper Maintains Bad Boy Image

Anderson Cooper would tell you he’s undergone a 360 revolution, but it’s really closer to 180 degrees. Originally regarded as one of the classier hosts on CNN, Cooper has been the subject of many an embarrassing headline in recent days, from his unwanted (gay) coming-out to his X-rated moves on live, Newyear’s broadcasts with Kathy Griffin, but all of his past mishaps dissipate next to his latest offense.  The would-be-rebel was arrested last night in D.C. for defiling public property in an experiment to determine how human waste reacts to extreme temperature lows.

Cooper had wondered aloud on his Wednesday show whether a video purporting to show a man’s urine vaporizing instantly in frigid, polar-vortex weather was real or fraudulent. As it turns out, the journalist was right in his suspicion that the video was forged, and the results of his research are consequently written all over the China-imported Martin Luther King Jr. memorial.

“I set out to bust this myth, and busted it I have,” he told his camera crew as he was handcuffed by the statue in the clear, grassy park and forced into a National Park Service police car.  “I’ve served my duty to inform and educate the American people.  Don’t try this again, kids.  Just because you see something on the internet or television does not mean you should try doing it yourself.”

CNN president Jeff Zucker has already submitted Cooper’s name to the Pulitzer Prize Board to be nominated for the Investigative Reporting category.  “His contribution to science really needs to be recognized.”

2 comments:

  1. Dude, Jimmy Kimmel totally beat you to this joke. But I laughed all the same, so thanks anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Daryl,

    I don't care what Kimmel said about the passing of Dennis Rodman – the death of a human being is never a laughing matter, no matter how ironic the circumstances or unlikeable the individual. I was certainly never a fan of Rodman, but no fault of his own would ever compel me to stoop to mockery or cynicism in his family's time of grieving. George Pallas had no intention whatsoever to deride Rodman or make light of his loss; he was strictly reporting the objective facts of case according to what we know from international watchdogs and the KCNA.

    ReplyDelete

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