Friday, November 15, 2013

The Lessons of Gallic History

For those of you who insist on thinking that millennia-old, dead, white, heterosexual, European males have nothing of truth, insight, or relevance to say in the age of Progressivism, here’s a message from Caesar translated from his pure, journalistic Latin by yours truly in which he describes the religion and culture of the Americans Gauls.  ‘Footnotes’ on the translation and implications of his words have been enclosed in parentheses.  Forgive the stilted, repetitive, New York Times-quality reporting and recognize that the bland style is Caesar’s signature, not my own.  Shakespearean though his story was, a Shakespeare he was not, which is why I’ve decided to compile this Good Parts Version of his completely objective masterwork, The Gallic War.  As the first 5 books of this history can mostly be summarized as “Gauls offer Caesar’s commanders a deal, Caesar’s commanders gullibly accept their offers, Gauls pound the Hades out of Caesar’s commanders, Caesar sweeps in and saves the day”, we’ll jump right into the middle of the 6th book, which I find more substantive and interesting.



There are two classes of men in all of Gaul who are of any number and any standing.  For the common people, who risk nothing of their own accord, are held almost in the condition of slaves and are summoned for not a single council.  A great many give themselves up in slavery to the nobles (politiclass), who have the same rights over these men that masters have over their slaves, when they are burdened by debt or the oppressive level of taxes or the violence of the powerful.  But one of these two classes is the Druids (public “workers”), and the other the equestrians (elites).  The former take part in divine matters (institutionalized leftism), attend to public and private sacrifices (wealth erosion), and handle religious ceremonies: a large segment of young people congregate to these men for the sake of learning (how to profit as a Druid), and they are held in high regard among them.  For they most of all decide all public and private disputes, and if any crime (offense) has been committed, if (hate-)murder has been done, or if there is an argument over inheritance or borders, the same men give the decree and settle rewards and penalties; if any, either a private man or a people, has not abided by their decree (ideology), they forbid them from engaging in sacrifices.  This punishment is the most severe among them.

These, upon whom the prohibition has thus been enforced, are regarded alongside the number of ungodly and accursed men (bigots), and all forsake them and shun their approach and conversation, lest they take on anything of disadvantage from the contact, and neither is justice rendered to them when they seek it nor is any distinction shared with them.  One man, however, who has the greatest authority among them, rules over all these Druids.  When this man has died, either someone succeeds him if any excels out of the rest in rank (dynastic heritage, blackness, or womanness), or, if there are many equals, they contend by a (fraudulent) vote of the Druids and sometimes also by arms (name-calling, attack ad campaigns) for the leadership.  At a certain time of the year, these men take a position on a consecrated place in the territory of the Carnutes, which is held to be the middle region of all Gaul.  Here they convene, all who have disputes (personal political agendas), from every side and submit them to their trials and decrees.  The system is thought to have been discovered in Britain and brought over into Gaul, and now a great many who wish to learn that system deeply set out to that place for the sake of learning.

The Druids are used to being free of war and do not pay taxes together with the rest of the people; they have an exemption from military service and freedom from all public obligations.  Many come together into the system of their own accord, excited by such benefits, and many are sent by parents and relatives.  They are said to memorize a great number of verses (useless information) there.  And so some people stay in instruction (law school & environmental/urban education/women’s, gender, and sexuality/fill in the non-white race/social studies) for twenty years.

And they do not think that it is right to entrust these things to writing… They seem to me to have decided on this for two reasons, because they wish neither that the system be made known among the common people, nor that those who are learning develop weaker memory relying on writing… Furthermore they discuss many things about the stars and their motion, about the universe and the magnitude of the earth (its vulnerability to human life), about the nature of things (Darwinism), and about the force and power of the immortal gods (Mother Environment), and they teach (brainwash) the youth.

The second class is that of the equestrians.  These, whenever there is need and any war (election) arises… all engage in the war, and each of them has very many vassals and clients (political dependents and/or victimized props) around them in such proportion as each is the largest in class and forces.  They know of this single influence and power.

The whole tribe of the Gauls is very devoted to religious ceremonies, and for that reason those who have been afflicted with grave illnesses and those who are engaged in battles and dangers (poverty) either offer men (their more prosperous neighbors) as sacrifices in the stead of animals or vow that they will sacrifice and use the Druids as priests (tax collectors) for these sacrifices, because if the life of one man is not restored in return for the life of another man, they do not think that the divine will of the immortal gods (greater good of the people) can be pleased, and they have publicly instituted sacrifices of the same sort.  Others have statues (businesses) of an immense size, the limbs of which, having been woven together with wickers, they fill with living people; and when those have been set on fire (robbed into destitution), the men are killed (laid off), surrounded by a blaze (government obstructionism and penalties).  They believe that the sacrificing of those who have been arrested in the act of theft or of brigandage (the pursuit of profit through free-market capitalism) or of any crime is a favor (fairness) to the immortal gods (the proletariat/middleclass); but, when a supply of this kind (the bourgeoisie) fails, they even resort to sacrificing innocents (theworkingclass).

They especially honor the god Mercury (administrative state).  There are very many statues of this god: they hold that he is the inventor of all the arts (jobs) and that he is the overseer of roads and journeys (employment), and think that he has supreme control over the acquisitions of wealth and over trade.  After this god they worship Apollo and Mars and Jupiter and Minerva.  Of these they have mostly the same opinion that the rest of the tribes share: Apollo (socialized medicine) wards off diseases, Minerva (higher education) entrusts the beginnings of military works and of handicrafts, Jupiter (the supreme and lower courts, so long as they support abortion) holds the highest power of the gods, and Mars (Obama) directs wars.  Whenever they have determined to fight in battle (take blind shots at suspected terrorists), they generally devote to this god those things which they will have captured in the war: when they have conquered (withdrawn out of “fatigue”/“war weariness”), they sacrifice animals they’ve taken and collect the rest of the things into one place (indefinitely detain enemy combatants in Guantanamo Bay)…

In the rest of their lifestyle’s customs they mostly differ from others in this, that they do not allow their children to publicly approach them (transfer the responsibility of raising said children to the state) except when they have grown up (reached 26 years of age) so that they can uphold duties in military service (the public sector), and they consider it dishonorable for a son of a young age to stand by in the presence of his father in public.

An appraisal having been made, husbands (male cohabitators) share so much from their own estate with the dowry as the wealth they receive from their wives (female cohabitators) under a bond of dowry.  The condition of all this property is jointly held and the profits reserved: whichever of them lives longer (wins primary custody in the divorce case), the portion of each falls to that one along with the profits of former times…

And those states (bureaucracies) which are judged to more suitably manage their own government (the federal one, that is) have made it binding with laws (mandates/opinions/edicts/regulations) that if anyone has heard anything about the state from neighboring tribes by rumor or common talk (unsanctioned, private news sources), he should report to the magistracy and not communicate with anyone else (leak incriminating information)…

The magistrates conceal those things which seem should not be revealed and share those things which they have judged to be of use to the masses.  To speak about the state is not permitted except through an assembly.

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