Thursday, March 8, 2012

Why the Oscars stunk in 15 contentions

1. The Descenwhats?
I was (once again) expected to root for a cacophony of dull, pretentious “made-for-Oscar” movies which neither I nor anyone else besides critics actually saw.  At least they gave us Inception last year (albeit while ignoring Christopher Nolan).

2. Pervasive anti-Republican and anti-capitalism sentiment from the host and presenters
We’ll be examining this negative impact through several sub-points.
A ) Let’s look first at Billy Crystal’s opening statement: “What better way to take our minds off the poor economy than to watch millionaires accept golden statues on a stage?”  While a seemingly innocent observation, this quote actually had anti-bourgeois connotations.  Crystal was implying, “Life is already fortunate enough to the wealthy.  They have the exclusive privilege of being able to receive a shiny statue in front of millions of struggling Americans (who can also afford monthly bills on their TV).  The 1% ought to give half or more of their money back to the government.”
B ) In his presentation, Chris Rock explained the simplicity of his job as a voice actor in plain terms: “I go in a sound booth, say some lines, and they hand me a MILLION DOLLARS!”  While it is true that voice actors earn an absurd paycheck for their work, Mr. Marty the Zebra was implying that movie stars don’t have a right to their money and that the government should take more out of their salaries than they do currently.
C ) About halfway through the show, Billy Crystal questioned the income tax rate paid by the Harry Potter special effects team.  He openly wondered how a giant movie series could gross $7.7B but the computer guy responsible for the series’ magic could pay just 14% in income taxes.  I inquire, what’s his bright line?  No definition of FAIR SHARE, judge.
D )  The previous 3 sub-points are eclipsed by this final one, for Crystal crossed the line when he unreservedly mocked the Republican presidential candidates.  “A dark knight, an American psycho, and a charismatic crack addict.  You’ll choose one on Super Tuesday.”  Ha ha.  You just slammed the entire conservative population on a national television awards program which is supposed to be about movies.  Nice one, Billy.  You sure had Clooney laughing, along with 99% of those other actors.  Out of curiosity, whom were you dubbing a drug addict?

Edit: Chris Rock is not just a liberal moron who calls the Tea Party movement "racist"; he's also a liberal jerk who breaks an author's camera when questioned about that insulting claim.  I'm boycotting his films.

3. Racial humor
What can you expect from the liberal entertainment industry?  They’ve got to make race an issue in everything.

4. The cameraman’s obsession with Hollywood’s liberal elite
I watch the Oscars for the movies, not for endless headshots of Clooney and Pitt.

5. Strapless dresses
I’m a guy, so I don’t really care about fashion, but still I inquire, “Why?”

6. Duo interpretations – I mean presentations
These were all beyond awkward, because none of these “actors” knew how to recite their parts in a way that didn’t sound scripted.  And they were totally scripted.

7. The Descendants stealing best screenplay
I’m supposed to believe that Alexander Payne, who co-wrote Jurassic Park 3, is a better screenwriter than Steven Kloves, who adapted the final Harry Potter movie?  Hugo, no.

8. Hugo stealing Rango’s awards
Of all the movies I’ve ever seen, Rango had some of the most dramatic camera work.  And the character design of Rattlesnake Jake has to count towards the art awards, right?

9. Hugo stealing Transformer’s awards
In what world do Hugo’s special effects hold a candle to the jaw-dropping explosions and robot carnage of Transformers 3?  Sure it was mostly CGI, but T3 boasted probably the most detailed and complex animated shots in movie history, and its sound effects were incredible.  What the Hugo happened?

10. Mission Impossible getting overlooked
The Burj Khalifa scene alone merits a nod to this movie’s cinematography.

11. Jonah Hill and Melissa McCarthy
“You have to get back ON MY SEAT… Get it?”  Kind of vulgar and R-rated, but I get it.  What I don’t get it how you were nominated.  Jonah Hill lost his chance to be taken seriously when he signed up for so many moronic guy comedies.  “I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your books.”  “No, an he were, I would burn my study.”

12. The Girl with too many Oscar nominations
Whatever angle you look at it from, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a disgusting and immoral pile of dung.  So why even consider it for an award?

13. Andy Serkis losing to a silent film actor
The Frenchman from The Artist can dance, smile, and silently scream at the camera;  that’d be an impressive performance – in kindergarten.  Serkis, on the other hand, created an ape that was believable within the boundaries of the movie and that could capture the sympathy of the film’s audience even while he rebelled against his oppressors and led an uprising against Earth’s dominant species.  In my mind, there’s no question as to who is the better actor.

14. Christopher Plummer stealing Alan Rickman’s award
Let me tell you the two reasons why Plummer won and Rickman was snubbed.  #1.  Beginners is a movie about “diversity” and “acceptance”,  if you know what I mean.  Surprisingly, Plummer didn’t play the tolerance card at all in his acceptance speech.  His age has brought him more wisdom than Sean Penn’s… #2.  Alan Rickman is automatically disqualified for the supporting actor recognition because he plays Severus Snape, a character from the fantasy movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.  The Academy has repeatedly shunned films of the fantasy or sci-fi genre, locking them out of any categories besides those for visual and sound effects.  Every now and then we see an exception, such as Return of the King in 2003, District 9 in 2009, or Avatar (which honestly only made it through because it was liberal propaganda), but the vast majority of deserving “popular” movies (The Matrix, Revenge of the Sith, Batman Begins, King Kong, The Dark Knight, Star Trek, Thor, and Harry Potter 7.65 to name a few) are ignored for the top prizes.

15. The Artist taking best picture over Rango
Rango is a thought-provoking, dramatic Western about one man/chameleon having to determine his identity after “being propelled into conflict”.  It has witty humor, subtle metaphors, and beautiful animation on top of its story.  The Artist is simple; one can describe it as a silent film about silent film actors living in the era of silent films.  Primitive.

2 comments:

  1. Pretty much all of these are just your personal opinions.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Is this George Clooney? I can't tell because you're anonymous.

    ReplyDelete

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